Fear And The Submissive Mind

Updated: Aug 2

Many subs or the sub-curious contact me on SextPanther to discuss their fantasies and desire to book a session. It's very common that it's followed by, "I want to book a session so badly, but I'm scared!" This is the very reason why pro dommes have deposits in place, particularly for first timers. Fear makes otherwise dependable people turn into flakes. Fear can also suck out the fun from living as our true authentic selves. Not to mention, if you are so overcome with fear that it affects your ability to follow through, the idea of a session with you doesn't sound like a fun time anymore.


There is no one answer or quick fix, but the common fears preventing subs from moving forward in realizing their fantasies revolve around the fear of the unknown. Sometimes knowing the cause of our fears and viewing the fear through a different lens helps us work through them and attain the human happiness we all crave and deserve. Let's take a look at some of the causes. While some of this is aimed at submissive men, if you are female, trans or non-binary, you may find yourself with these very same concerns.




Fear 1:

"What if the Mistress does something that makes me feel really uncomfortable, pushes me to do something I'll regret, or she hurts me really badly?"


This is a fear for a reason. I've heard all kinds of horror stories! This is why it's important to think with the head on your shoulders and not in between your legs when researching a Mistress. Read her website and social media to see her experience level is, what her style is like, and if her style is compatible with what you're looking to experience. Or arrange for a consultation session either via text, phone, video call, or in person to get to know her better before you commit. It's important to negotiate limits. There's also no shame in starting off light. It's always better to crave more for next time than excitedly agree to more than you can handle just because you were horny.


If you're not sure of what you can or can't handle, consider my "Beginner BDSM Sampler Platter" where I act as more of a friendly kinky guide than a slave training Mistress slowly seducing away your power.



Fear 2:

"What if I like it? Then what?? How will it affect my dating relationships in the future or my current relationship?"


​If you are indeed submissive, then you should know that about yourself and give your submissive self the attention it deserves. You may find you don't need BDSM play as much as you thought but if you find that you do, celebrate that newfound knowledge! And if you find that you do need it on a very regular basis and desire it within the context of a romantic partnership, just as you take inventory of yourself and what you have to offer a potential partner, you will now know what to factor into your list of requirements that you seek in a relationship. If you are currently partnered, wouldn't you agree that it's still worth finally finding out if this is indeed a part of your identity? Then finding a healthy way to nurture your submissiveness? You'd be surprised how many wives have had an open mind and discovered a new dominant side of themselves, or, decided to give dominating their husbands a try, realized it's not for them, then flat out told their hubbies to book a session with a pro domme. Then there are some subs who prefer to keep it as a secret for themselves. That is something you will have to decide on your own as I can't tell you what's right or wrong for you.





Fear 3:

"Will a Mistress actually be into playing with me? Will I disappoint her??"


Mother Nature instilled ego in man for a reason. Of course, there's the untrained negative end of the male ego spectrum which manifests through thoughtless, self-centered, and uncompromising behaviors. However, on the positive end is the natural desire to please paired with the need to know that you did a job well done. If you did your research and found a compatible Mistress, as long as you are polite, thoughtful, and follow her commands to the best of your ability, no doubt she will be very pleased with you. She may express that by bragging about you on Twitter, or if she's more low-key (or not a social media person), her satisfaction will be expressed with a smile, giving you a "good boy" (or girl), a reward, or simply allowing you to see her in the future. And when your efforts are appreciated, remember that it's not to feed your ego, but to appreciate and encourage you. Don't let it go to your head. ;-)




Fear 4:

"What if I like it so much that I want to do it all the time??"


Usually what happens is that a first timer will be so thrilled that they finally gave BDSM a try and can finally start to embrace themselves. Then they can figure out a healthy balance of how often they should session. For some who had years or even decades of repressed submissive feelings, they had to go on a mini splurge to balance themselves out. Imagine being in a country that didn't have your favorite dessert, then coming back home after ten years. You'd probably run straight to the bakery and pig out for a week or two, then your pastry starved self would be satisfied, and the cravings will calm down.


In the same way, the desire to submit does eventually calm down to less frequency, and you'll find your balance of how often you should session. Some subs find their balance is a once-a-year birthday gift of self-care. Others quarterly or monthly, or even more if their finances and schedules allow. I find it's better to set a realistic schedule (and what works with your budget) rather than try to go too long and deny yourself. How often have we seen dieters try to cut out all sugar or carbs forever? They end up failing and developing unhealthy relationships with food. I don't subscribe to the idea of submission (or dominance for that matter) being "naughty", "a treat", "indulgent", or any other negative word. Your submissiveness should be embraced and nurtured in a safe space with someone whom you can trust and accepts who you are. That way you can dive right into submission without any fears.


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